It isn't me!

Attended a cell meeting last night, and for once, felt that familiar feeling of being pressured. This has happened amongst the many Christian groups that I've been to. Basically, it's the feeling that you get when you don't seem to be able to speak in tongues when everyone else around you do. I felt this for the first time, aged 19, when I attended a church retreat with my then boyfriend. He was a Catholic, and he was hungry, and we were in a free church. When they laid hands on him, he burst forth in tongues. I was just next to him, and when they laid hands on me....nothing. And I don't think I had a lack of desire for it either. It didn't stop me from feeling left out though. Didn't stop me from hating David either, because he didn't make it better for me - he was just too ecstatic. It was like everyone knew of a hot piece of gossip and no one wanted to tell me what it was.

Over the years, numerous people have prayed for me to receive this gift. I was told many things too. One, that I already had it. I just needed to go on in faith & practise it. (I had a sneaky suspicion that this was a cop-out for those who had prayed for me and now wanted to wash their hands of me..:)). Two, that I lacked the desire for it. Three, that I was too afraid & too shy to say the words that came to my mind. (Well, NOTHING came to my mind. Or to anywhere else for that matter. I'd be the first to articulate any words anyway to rid myself of this misery.)

But I know one thing. God doesn't love me any less. And I don't know why I'm in this special position. I don't know why God doesn't make it easier for me either, in this matter. It's just words, man. My cell leader told me that when she received HER gift, she saw English words float through her mind and she just read them as she saw them. Now why can't that be MY method.

But I refuse to feel inferior. And I wish people would understand this, and sometimes...all I need is some space to be myself, even in spiritual matters.

It isn't me!

Attended a cell meeting last night, and for once, felt that familiar feeling of being pressured. This has happened amongst the many Christian groups that I've been to. Basically, it's the feeling that you get when you don't seem to be able to speak in tongues when everyone else around you do. I felt this for the first time, aged 19, when I attended a church retreat with my then boyfriend. He was a Catholic, and he was hungry, and we were in a free church. When they laid hands on him, he burst forth in tongues. I was just next to him, and when they laid hands on me....nothing. And I don't think I had a lack of desire for it either. It didn't stop me from feeling left out though. Didn't stop me from hating David either, because he didn't make it better for me - he was just too ecstatic. It was like everyone knew of a hot piece of gossip and no one wanted to tell me what it was.

Over the years, numerous people have prayed for me to receive this gift. I was told many things too. One, that I already had it. I just needed to go on in faith & practise it. (I had a sneaky suspicion that this was a cop-out for those who had prayed for me and now wanted to wash their hands of me..:)). Two, that I lacked the desire for it. Three, that I was too afraid & too shy to say the words that came to my mind. (Well, NOTHING came to my mind. Or to anywhere else for that matter. I'd be the first to articulate any words anyway to rid myself of this misery.)

But I know one thing. God doesn't love me any less. And I don't know why I'm in this special position. I don't know why God doesn't make it easier for me either, in this matter. It's just words, man. My cell leader told me that when she received HER gift, she saw English words float through her mind and she just read them as she saw them. Now why can't that be MY method.

But I refuse to feel inferior. And I wish people would understand this, and sometimes...all I need is some space to be myself, even in spiritual matters.